Betrayal in a relationship – especially something as deeply hurtful as infidelity – leaves lasting scars on the person who has been betrayed. We rightly focus a lot on their pain, grief, and their journey to recovery. But what about the person who caused that pain, the one who betrayed their partner, yet chooses to stay? What drives them to remain in a relationship they have wounded so deeply? This is not a simple question; it takes us into a complex part of their mind, shaped by their early experiences, hidden feelings, and deep-seated fears.
When someone hurts their partner, perhaps by having an affair, but then still wants to commit to the relationship, it is often more than just feeling guilty. Their decision to stay usually comes from a deeper, more layered psychological makeup. Let us explore some of the reasons why a person might choose to remain after betraying their partner.
How Our Early Lives Shape Our Relationships
Our first relationships with parents or caregivers are incredibly important. They create "invisible blueprints" in our minds, known as internal working models. These models, part of attachment theory, guide how we connect, trust, and react to closeness or arguments in our adult relationships. These deep patterns are rarely something we are fully aware of; they are just how we have learned to relate to others from our early experiences.
Anxious Attachment. Some people grow up with a constant, nagging fear that others will leave them. Even though they really want closeness, they might, strangely enough, do things that seem to push people away – what is called protest behaviour. Betrayal can be one of these behaviours. It is usually not a deliberate attempt to end the relationship, but a misguided way to test if their partner will truly stay, often stemming from childhoods where care was unpredictable. Oddly, the fear of losing the relationship often gets even stronger after the betrayal, making them try desperately to fix things and reconnect.
Avoidant Attachment. On the other hand, some people learn that deep emotional closeness feels threatening. For them, betrayal might unconsciously create a bit of distance. Yet, even partners with an avoidant attachment style often rely on the stability and familiarity of long-term relationships. Their desire to stay might show a hidden struggle between wanting to protect themselves emotionally and a quiet, often unrecognised, need for lasting connection.
Hidden Feelings and Unfinished Business: The Unseen Influences
From a psychodynamic lens, which looks at the hidden reasons behind our actions, behaviour like betrayal can come from deep, unconscious conflicts. People often unknowingly repeat hurtful relationship patterns from their childhoods – what Freud called repetition compulsion. It's like they're trying to gain control over old wounds by playing them out again.
Reenacting Unprocessed Pain. Someone who was emotionally neglected or betrayed as a child might, without realising it, repeat those painful dynamics in their adult relationships. The betrayal could symbolise an unconscious attempt to feel in control of relationship situations that once left them feeling helpless. So, staying in the relationship might reflect a desire – whether they know it or not – to "make things right" or finally sort out these old, internal conflicts.
Defences Against Shame and Self-Loathing. Often, betrayal is followed by intense guilt, shame, and a strong dislike of oneself. Staying in the relationship can be a way of making amends, driven by a deep inner need to fix their damaged self-image. The partner might be looking for forgiveness not just from their partner, but also from themselves, hoping that repairing the relationship can ease their painful inner turmoil.
Splitting and Denial. To cope with overwhelming feelings, some people might mentally split, separating the act of betrayal from the good parts of the relationship. Or they might use denial to avoid truly facing what they have done. Often, it is only when the clear consequences of their betrayal emerge that they are forced to confront the reality of their actions. This can then trigger a genuine desire to stay and try to repair the damage.
Deep-Seated Fears & Real-World Motivations
While these inner psychological forces are crucial, it is also important to acknowledge outside pressures and the unconscious ways we protect ourselves emotionally, known as ego defences.
Loss Aversion and Fear of Chaos. The very real threat of losing shared possessions, damage to their social standing, or the complete breakdown of family life can create a strong desire to keep the relationship intact. While these reasons might seem practical or even self-serving, they are also psychologically protective, shielding the person from the huge emotional turmoil and chaos of a major life upheaval.
Identity Crisis and Role Dissonance. For some, staying is a vital way to protect who they see themselves to be. They might tell themselves, "I'm not the kind of person who just walks away from my family." This shows a role-based identity defence, where the individual holds onto the relationship to maintain a consistent view of themselves and their place in the world, preventing a difficult crisis about their own character.
What Does This Mean for Healing?
Understanding these complex psychological processes is absolutely essential in couples therapy. Betrayal is not just a break in the relationship; it is often a sign of deeper emotional pain, unaddressed issues from their past, and profound fears within the individuals involved. True healing involves carefully navigating these different layers within each person and the way they interact in the relationship. Here are some ways healing can look in therapy:
Attachment-Focused Work. Therapy helps the partner who betrayed understand their own attachment style and how it influences their relationships. Are they anxiously seeking reassurance, or do they tend to withdraw (avoidantly)? Understanding this can help them change unhealthy ways of interacting.
Psychodynamic Exploration. This involves encouraging a deep look at early life experiences, unconscious motives, and repeated relationship patterns. By bringing awareness to these often hidden forces, the individual can begin to understand what was previously out of their awareness – a vital step towards lasting change.
Guilt, Responsibility, and Empathy. While guilt can be a useful emotion that pushes for change, it must be directed into taking empathic responsibility – truly understanding their partner's pain – rather than just self-blame. Therapy should help the betraying partner feel their partner’s pain without being overwhelmed by self-disgust, which allows them to commit to real, measurable actions to repair the damage.
Forgiveness and Self-Compassion. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is a slow, careful, and often very difficult journey. A crucial part of this work might involve helping the betrayer develop self-compassion, especially if they are stuck in cycles of internal shame. True repair does not happen just through trying to earn forgiveness; it comes through changed behaviour that is rooted in deeper understanding and a kinder attitude towards oneself.
A partner who chooses to stay after betraying is not always doing so out of manipulation or convenience. More often, they are caught in a complex web of attachment wounds, unconscious conflicts, and a deep desire to make things right. Their choice to remain can show both fear and love, brokenness and hope. Through understanding and structured therapy, these motivations can be explored – not to excuse the betrayal, but to guide the path towards profound healing for both partners