Welcome back to part three of attachment styles. In this article, we will dive into the fearful-avoidant attachment style and explore how it looks in children as well as adults. We will explore the impact on their role as partners and caregivers, and possible pitfalls of this style. Fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganised attachment style refers to individuals who experience conflicting feelings towards connecting with others. On one hand, they do have a strong desire for close relationships. Yet, on the other, they have deep-seated fears and anxieties about being close to other people. As such, they can exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviour while seeking closeness from others.
How does it develop?
Typically, the attachment style is formed in the first 18 months of the individual’s life. This attachment style can be a result of various factors like traumatic or abusive experiences, inconsistent care, loss of or absent primary caregiver. These negative experiences that one has with their caregivers can cause confusion and uncertainty about how one should behave with their caregivers. Furthermore, as these caregivers can alternate between being supportive and responsive to not meeting basic needs at all, this can create a sense of insecurity and fear for their own safety within the child. Commonly, caregivers tend to behave unpredictably, often switching between loving and aggressive behaviour which causes their child to be afraid of them. As such, these behaviour towards the child can cause them to develop beliefs that they are unlovable or unworthy, distrust towards others, and the belief that the world is a dangerous place. Similar to the development of other attachment styles, caregivers who were raised with disorganised attachment style may not even realise that they are repeating this behaviour.
How does it look like?
Due to the desire to be close and the fear of being close to their caregivers, children with disorganised attachment style are observed to want to seek comfort from caregivers but stopped themselves when they are near them. For example, the child may stare at their caregiver but avoids eye contact with them. At times, they may exhibit behaviour to attract the caregiver’s attention but stop themselves promptly. Due to the fear of intimacy, these children may resist affection from their caregivers and reject the caregiver’s attempts to engage in emotional closeness. Additionally, their belief that the world is a dangerous place can result in difficulties opening up to others and being unable to connect with them. As such, leading to short and superficial interactions with others instead of meaningful long-term relationships. They can be hypersensitive to signs of rejection and potential threats to their relationships. Thus, causing them to be in a state of constant anxiety and fear. Commonly, children with this attachment style will struggle with emotion regulation and tend to show no preference for people who are familiar to them. Hence, they may struggle with expressing emotions, self-soothe, and sharing overly intimate information with people they have just met.
Similarly, adults with this attachment style, tend to believe that they are unlovable and people will eventually leave them. They have a strong desire for close relationships yet are deeply afraid and distrusting of others. They can fall into a push-pull dynamic in their relationships and struggle to strike a balance between independence and maintaining emotional closeness.
What are they like as partners?
Disorganised partners can exhibit certain behavior traits due to their insecurities and fears. Navigating a relationship with someone with disorganised attachment style requires a lot of patience, empathy, and willingness to communicate openly. It is important to create a non-judgemental and supportive space for both partners to be able to express their genuine thoughts and feelings. Here are some characteristics that are commonly observed in partners with disorganised attachment style.
Mixed signals. Due to their desire to be close and fear of rejection, partners can alternate between warm and affectionate to distant and aloof, which can be frustrating for partners.
Difficulty trusting and being vulnerable. With their beliefs that they are unlovable and distrusting of others, disorganised partners may find it difficult to be genuine and reveal feelings or thoughts that are more personal to them. This guardedness can hinder the development of the relationship and could possibly push partners away.
Difficulty with conflict resolution. Partners with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may find it difficult to engage in any kind of conflict resolution due to their fear of rejection and abandonment. They may choose to avoid conversations about emotions and confrontations. Hence, leading to unresolved issues in the relationships.
Emotional withdrawal. Disorganised partners may choose to shut down and disengage from situations that are deemed to be too stressful or emotionally charged as a means to protect themselves. It can leave their partners confused and frustrated as the change can be spontaneous and abrupt.
What are they like as caregivers?
Parents with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may exhibit certain behaviors and tendencies in their interactions with their children. Similar to other attachment styles, disorganised caregivers may subconsciously exhibit parenting styles that they grew up with. It is to note that having disorganised attachment style does not result in these behaviour traits. Rather, these are some common characteristics that were observed in caregivers with disorganised attachment style:
Emotional regulation and expression. Caregivers may find it difficult to express their emotions appropriately and may struggle with regulating their emotions in stressful times. They may react in a frightened or frightening way that can cause their child to be confused by their behaviour.
Struggle with emotional closeness. Caregivers may be fearful of establishing a deep emotional connection with their child. They may pendulum between being warm and supportive to cold and distant as a means to protect themselves. This can cause their child to believe that they are unreliable and not dependable.
Difficulty with setting boundaries. Caregivers may struggle to set clear and consistent boundaries with their children as they find it hard to strike a balance between giving autonomy and independence and providing guidance and structure.
Possible pitfalls
Although people with disorganised attachment styles may struggle between their desire to connect with others and fear of being rejected, it is possible for one to work towards developing more secure and fulfilling relationships. The first step to any kind of change is to have a greater awareness of self. Below are some ways that people with disorganised attachment style may engage in that prevents them from forming the close relationships that they so desire.
Self-sabotage. One’s fear of rejection and getting hurt may cause them to subconsciously sabotage their relationships and prevent the relationship from further development. They may pick fights with their partners over random matters or deliberately create emotional or physical distance when they feel too close or vulnerable.
Fear of commitment. Individuals with disorganised attachment style may struggle with long-term commitments as there is a fear of losing their independence or getting hurt. They can feel conflicted about taking the next step (e.g., cohabitating or marriage) and stop themselves from doing so.
It is important to remember that one can behave differently from what is commonly associated with their attachment style. Through greater self-awareness and seeking professional support, one can develop more meaningful relationships and more secure and responsive parenting behaviour.
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