Welcome back to the last installment of how attachment styles can impact the person that we are and the roles that we play. In this article, we dive into the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. We will explore how it looks in children and adults, the impact of this attachment style on one’s role as a partner and caregiver, and the possible pitfalls of this style. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style is characterised by a strong desire to be independent and self-reliant and the tendency to downplay the importance of emotional connections with others. Generally, they have no need for support or reassurance from other people. Unlike the other attachment styles, people with a dismissive-attachment style would typically choose to avoid emotional connections with others and not have others rely on them.
How does it develop?
Similar to other attachment styles, the dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a result of the child’s early experiences with their primary caregiver, typically, between infancy and early childhood. The child’s attachment style is affected by various factors but primarily the responsiveness of their primary caregivers to their needs and the quality of care they received. When caregivers are not consistently reliable to fulfill the needs that the child has – food, shelter, love, and attention, it can cause the child to cope by being self-reliant and not reach out to others even when they need help. Moreover, they may learn that being vulnerable and seeking emotional support is ineffective and may even be rejected. Thus, potentially resulting in suppression of emotions, learning to self-soothe, and minimising their need for closeness. Commonly, the child could develop a distrust for people and be wary of closeness.
How does it look like?
Children with this attachment style may avoid expressing their vulnerable sides like feelings of sadness and fear. Commonly, they may be hesitant to seek comfort from their primary caregiver or even resist reassurance when met with difficulties. These children may seem uncomfortable with the display of affection like hugging and can appear stiff when caregivers are physically affectionate to them. They may seem emotionally detached from their caregivers and do not actively seek to connect or bond with them. Typically, they take pride in being self-reliant and struggle to express their needs and seek help. There is a general distrust in their caregivers and peers. Hence, for some children, they may prefer playing alone. Some may engage in parallel play where they play alongside their peers but not actively engaging with them. In some instances, these children may even reject cooperative play or interactions with peers.
Similarities like distrust and extreme self-reliance could still be present in adulthood. As such, emotional detachment can occur across various relationships. These adults may seem aloof and distant. They may struggle with forming close relationships and can feel uncomfortable or anxious when the relationship becomes emotionally demanding. In the face of emotional conversations, they may choose to avoid them completely by withdrawing or deflecting, or downplaying the emotions involved. Commonly, they would prefer to solve problems independently and would hesitate or struggle to seek help. Often, adults with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can seem very confident and might act narcissistically where they think and speak of themselves highly while having an overly critical view of others. This set of behaviours tend to stem from low self-esteem.
What are they like as partners?
Dismissive-avoidant partners may appear not fully committed, distant, and at times confusing. Moreover, they may often prioritised their own needs over their partners. Hence, causing their partners to feel lonely and unheard. It is important to note that this behaviour does not hold true to everyone with dismissive-avoidant attachment. Rather, these are some characteristics that have been observed in partners with disorganised attachment style.
Emotional distance. Individuals may struggle to acknowledge, understand or express their emotions and vulnerabilities. As such, they can seem reserved or detached from their partner’s perspectives. Thus, making it difficult for their partners to connect with them meaningfully.
Limited intimacy. Individuals may be uncomfortable when they become emotionally or physically close to their partners. They may choose to avoid activities that involve high levels of emotional intimacy. For some, they may limit the physical display of affection or may struggle to express affection verbally.
Prioritises oneself. Commonly, these individuals will be unwilling to compromise their independence and want to be self-reliant. They may choose not to rely on their partners even if it is beneficial for them. At times, they might make decisions without considering their partner’s feelings or preferences.
Difficulty with emotional support. As these partners can feel overwhelmed when faced with emotional conversations, it can be challenging for them to provide emotional support for their partners. They may struggle to comfort or empathise with them.
What are they like as caregivers?
Caregivers with dismissive-avoidant attachment style can affect the emotional climate of the caregiver-child relationship. The caregiver’s attitude and behaviour towards the child can impact how the child manages and express their emotions and their beliefs of others. Although attachment styles can affect parenting styles, it is important to remember that other factors like individual differences can also make a big difference. The following are some common characteristics that were observed in caregivers with disorganised attachment style:
Overemphasize self-reliance. Caregivers may overemphasised being independent and self-reliant from an early age as they believe that it is important for one to do so. As such, they may unintentionally lose opportunities to form emotional connections with their child. In some instances, their child may even learn that they cannot rely on their caregivers for help.
Difficulty understanding emotional cues. As caregivers would tend to avoid emotional situations, they may find it hard to recognise and respond appropriately to their child’s emotional cues. They may misinterpret or even overlook their child’s emotional needs. As such, they may face situations where they fail to provide emotional support or even attempt to distract their child from their feelings.
Difficulty expressing love. Caregivers may struggle to openly express their love and affection for their children through physical or verbal means. They may limit physical affection like hugging as it makes them uncomfortable. In some instances, it might be difficult for the child to understand and may cause them to believe that their caregivers does not care about them.
Possible pitfalls
Although people with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles may find it difficult to connect with others due to their beliefs of others and the world, it is possible for one to want to work towards forming meaningful and deeper relationships with others. The first step to any kind of change is to have a greater awareness of self and the willingness to work on it. Here are some ways that one may engage in that pushes them further from meaningful relationships:
Emotional suppression. Commonly, emotional suppression can cause one to become more detached from their emotions. This may contribute to one’s inability to express their feelings and needs openly and appropriately. Hence, further isolating themselves from others. It can cause increased stress and anxiety.
Fear of dependence. Individuals may refuse to seek help and resist receiving help as they are afraid of being dependent on others. They may struggle to see the possibility of striking a balance between independence and dependence. Over time, they may feel alone and isolated.
It is important to remember that one can behave differently from what is commonly associated with their attachment style. As with any attachment style, self-awareness and a willingness to work on improving emotional connections can help one work towards developing the relationships that they want. Through seeking professional support, the journey to developing a healthier attachment style could be less lonely and more effective. Reach out now.
Interesting read
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/narcissism-demystified/202303/how-to-cope-with-a-dismissive-avoidant-partner