'People pleaser' is a term that is so commonly used but to what extent do you actually know what it means? On the surface, the individual may look extremely helpful and kind to people around them. They may be seen as someone who is altruistic and self-sacrificial. However, underlying all this goodness is an individual who is unable to say no to someone and someone who derives their value from helping others. The inability to reject drives the individual to adapt and accommodate the requests of others. In many circumstances, one would choose to hide how they truly feel about helping others and putting the needs of others first. In this article, we explore some possible causes of people pleasing, the impact of being a people pleaser, and how one can start to manage some boundaries to allow themselves to have space and time to do what they actually want.
How it looks like
Commonly, people pleasers would accommodate other people’s needs and put their own aside. As such, they may find themselves in situations where they overcommit to plans, responsibilities, and work, They may end up working overtime and sacrificing rest as they take on extra work. Additionally, people pleasers are often conflict-avoidant. Hence, they may avoid disagreeing with others, voicing their opinions, and talking about what they want. Generally, they would present as someone who is agreeable, easy-going, and a follower. Moreover, they may find themselves apologising for things that are not their fault, be hyperaware of other people’s judgments, and have an inability to set boundaries.
Underlying these behaviour, the people pleaser could feel very stressed and pressured to continuously agree to requests and finish all the extra work, responsibility, and plans that they have agreed to take on. Furthermore, they could feel very anxious when speaking about their own needs and opinions. Lamentably, one could feel frustrated at themselves for being unable to have the time and space to do whatever they want. Fundamentally, one is driven by the need to be validated by others.
Possible causes
People-pleasing is typically used as a label but not a diagnosis. Typically, people-pleasing is a product of one’s experiences. Some aspects that could contribute to one becoming a people-pleaser includes:
Low self-worth. Individuals may feel less worthy than others and hence their needs are not as important as other people's. As such, they would choose to place others’ needs before themselves. Often, they would derive a sense of worthiness from being able to help others.
Social anxiety. One may feel anxious about their ability to fit in, the possibility of rejection, or offending someone. As such, they may people please to be liked and recognised as the person that others can depend on.
Culture/societal norms. Depending on one’s background, their community and family could influence their sense of duty to others. They could feel more obligated to put others before themselves. For example, Asian families and communities often has an emphasis on putting family before self. Hence, driving one to put their needs behind others.
Negative experiences. Commonly, traumatic events elicit one’s ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response. In some circumstances, one would then people-please to prevent bad things from happening to them. For example, when one has emotionally controlling, abusive, or neglectful parents, one would have to adapt to their parents to be safe. As such, one may continue to people-please with others that they meet as they have learned that doing this will keep them safe.
Implications
Given that people pleasers can find it extremely difficult to place their needs before others, the following are some impact of being a people pleaser.
Stress. The individual would often stretch themselves thin to fulfill the needs of others, they may feel overwhelmed as they do not have the resources to fulfill them. In some instances, they may feel stress as they are unable to fulfil their own duties as they are busy fulfilling other people’s requests.
Resentment. For people pleasers, the lack of choice could make them feel frustrated and angry towards themselves or others. It can manifest as passive aggression via jokes or sarcasm.
Interpersonal problems. As people pleasers, one would not be able to be genuine about their values and feelings. This would result in superficial relationships rather than meaningful ones which helps one feel connected and have a sense of belonging to their friend group.
Loss of identity. When one gets used to putting others before themselves, they may lose their sense of what they want, value, or feel. This may cause them to be less attuned to their needs.
Coping
Although from an outsider's perspective, one could easily identify that the people pleaser should just say ‘no’, however, for the people pleasers, saying ‘no’ and rejecting others could be harder than climbing a mountain. Here are some ways to get started on setting boundaries.
Start small. Instead of saying ‘no’ to everything all at once, try rejecting smaller requests, sharing some opinions, or asking for help for something small. This allows others to adapt to the new boundaries and help them understand what you need.
Practice saying ‘no’. The act of saying ‘no’ can be daunting and anxiety-triggering. Hence, it is useful for one to practise and rehearse saying ‘no’ so that it will be easier for one to reject a request when it comes. Instead of having to make up excuses to justify your rejection, practice using a firm and decisive tone to say ‘no’.
Scheduling me-time. Block out time to do what you want. This time is sacred as it cannot be used on other people. Your goals and rest are equally important.
Evaluate before agreeing. Instead of agreeing readily, take some time to understand what is needed for the request and evaluate if you have the capacity to fulfill it. More importantly, consider if you actually want to do it.
Rejecting others does not make you a bad person. Everyone has limits and you are allowed to have boundaries and place yourself first. As you become more aware of the intentions behind your behaviour, take time to make small adjustments. However, if it feels too difficult and overwhelming, reach out and seek help.
Interesting read
https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser#tips