Co-author: Ricole Tay
More often than not, caregivers may feel lost when they realise that their child may not be a ‘child’ anymore. The way one cares for their child in childhood and adulthood can differ greatly and the adjustment may be difficult for their caregivers. In the eyes of the caregiver, they may always see themselves as their child’s protector and the child as someone who will always need their protection. As such, as their child grows into their own person, the role that the caregivers played previously may not necessarily be relevant in the child’s life anymore. However, when should caregivers step back and let their children experience the world independently? How can caregivers maintain healthy boundaries and stay relevant in the lives of their adult children? In this article, we discuss some factors that can affect the caregiver-child relationship when the child becomes an adult and how caregivers can manage the transition.
Changes for caregiver and child
Many times, caregivers would care in a way that they think can provide the best for the child. Howbeit, this can be suffocating and deemed as overparenting for adult children. When caregivers come to terms with their children no longer being the child they send to school, wait while they play at the playground, or when their children are still accountable to them about their whereabouts, conflicting feelings may arise. As the child ages, it changes the dynamics of the relationship with caregivers. The child may become less reliant and chooses to open up less to their caregivers. As a result, caregivers may feel less connected to their child as they no longer have as many details about their child’s life. Furthermore, caregivers may feel that they have a lesser say in their child’s life and their decisions. Therefore, caregivers may begin to unintentionally over-involve themselves in the lives of the adult child or try to demand for their child’s attention in hopes of staying connected and relevant to their child’s life. During the transition, caregivers may experience feelings of uncertainty and sadness due to the loss of connection. Furthermore, they may possibly feel resentment and anger as they had wanted to be a part of the child’s life.
In some cases, the caregivers may experience ‘empty nest syndrome’ where they experience grief after their children move out of home. In the attempt to achieve a sense of relatedness and connectedness, caregivers may engage in behaviour that can come off as judgemental and harsh. For example, caregivers may give unsolicited advice that can be misconstrued as judgements about the child’s life, commenting on the latter’s self-image or child-bearing decisions. These comments can be hurtful to the child even though the caregivers could have been well-intended.
Impact of Filial Piety
In Asian cultures, the concept of filial piety is socialised from a young age. Filial piety has been highly valued as a virtue, emphasising that elders, including parents and grandparents, deserve to be treated with love, respect and dignity. There is an expectation for one to take care of their elders, and any actions that display otherwise are deemed to be shameful and unethical. While filial piety revolves heavily around a child fulfilling their duties as children to their caregivers, negative feelings can arise from the expectation. For caregivers, they may expect their child to show gratitude towards them for their years of upbringing and the sacrifices that they made for the child. Some forms of repaying can include but are not limited to financial, emotional or physical ways. Thus, caregivers may demand their child to fulfill their expectations which may cause the relationship between them to be affected.
While adult children would commonly provide for their caregivers in various ways, how they might feel towards committing to it may differ depending on their relationship with them. The quality of the relationship can affect how they would feel towards these duties and their willingness to provide for and maintain the relationship. For example, if a child has a ‘bad’ relationship with their caregivers, the adult children may feel more restricted by the expectation to fulfil these duties than individuals who have fostered a healthy and good relationship with their caregivers. These negative feelings can evolve into resentment and may drive the child to distance themselves from their caregivers.
Coping
In the transition period, it could be hard for the caregivers to manage. As such, the following are some ways that caregivers can use to help them cope with the transition.
Setting boundaries. It is essential to recognise the boundaries that the child might want to have as they step into adulthood. As every child would behave differently, it would take time for the caregiver and child to find a balance in their new dynamics. However challenging as it may seem, learning to accept that their child has a life of their own and other priorities is important.
Acknowledging and communicating. Being aware of one’s feelings as their child grows up can allow the caregiver to understand the reasons behind possible feelings like anger, loneliness and resentment. It would be helpful for caregivers to communicate these thoughts to their adult children as it would help the adult children understand them better. Furthermore, adult children can also share their perspectives with their caregivers to help them understand their views.
Leisure activities. When caregivers are left alone to deal with the void, they might find themselves feeling bored. Thus, finding and committing to activities that one enjoys can help relieve the feelings. In addition, involving oneself in such activities can help one befriend people of similar interests and to start a new routine without their child.
Talking to a professional. The children or caregivers can consider seeking help from a professional, as the process can assist individuals in objectively addressing such issues or identifying the potential triggers while learning to manage these feelings better.
It is difficult to witness one’s child gradually growing physically and emotionally apart from them. Caregivers may feel helpless and experience emotions while adapting to the many changes. However, it is vital to keep one’s feelings in check to avoid coming off too strong and possessive, as it can potentially drive the child away. We recognise that it can be draining and lonely. Remember that you do not have to go through this alone. We are here whenever you are ready.