Co-author: Ricole Tay
Strong family ties are a sign of a well-functioning family. More often than not, a healthy family dynamic shares common values and standpoints. Howbeit, having too much of a good thing has negative impacts. Family enmeshment is when boundaries and roles are blurry within a family dynamic. There is an emphasis on family members sacrificing their individual needs for the ‘greater good’ of the family. Commonly, enmeshment occurs in a parent-child relationship where parents control the child through spoken and unspoken rules. Infringements can cause resistance, emotional abuse, manipulation, and guilt. Children who grew up with poorly defined or loose boundaries may have experienced family enmeshment, which can lead to enmeshment trauma. In this article, we hope to provide insights into family enmeshment and how families can recognise or recover from it.
What is enmeshment trauma?
‘What is childhood emotional trauma?’ what immediately comes to mind if you are posed with this question? Generally, individuals are likely to associate childhood emotional trauma with factors such as neglect, lack of parental supervision and affection. However, enmeshment trauma is the opposite. Enmeshment trauma refers to having too much of something or being too emotionally attached to family members. Traits such as low autonomy and high inappropriate intimacy are typically attributed to enmeshment families. While having an emotional connection between the parent and the child is usually viewed as positive, it can have detrimental effects if there is an overreliance between members. In an enmeshed family, parents may become excessively dependent on their children for support, and the child is, therefore, restricted in emotional independence from their parents. All family members are fused together in an exceptionally unhealthy manner that involves negative emotions where personal growth has many limitations, especially for the child. Hence, an individual’s autonomy and well-being are frequently compromised to satisfy and live up to the family’s loyalty and values in an enmeshed family. Enmeshment trauma can gradually lead to a long-term impact on one’s mental health.
How it looks like
Enmeshment is commonly rooted in trauma, illness, a sudden loss or parental divorce. For example, it can happen when a child has a chronic illness and requires to be taken care of at all times or when parents suffer from an addiction or mental illness. Hence, leading them being overly reliant on each other for emotional support. Additionally, parental divorce is a familiar risk factor of enmeshment. For example, parents may routinely over-confide in their children about their personal adult issues to seek comfort and in hopes of emotional validation. Divorced parents may rant to their children about their spouse, expecting the child to take their side and potentially making the child turn against the other parent. While the parent may demonstrate such a tendency with no bad intentions, it may affect the child, leaving them feeling conflicted and stuck between parents. In addition, the child may be expected to take on the role of the missing spouse. For example, if the son lives with his mother after a divorce, the mother may expect him to fill an emotional void left by the father. In other words, the mother may exhibit behaviours or ask the son to take the ‘man’s place’ in the house. This situation can result in an unhealthy enmeshment trauma, which has dire consequences on the son through adulthood.
Signs of enmeshment trauma
Beliefs that children will be their parents’ best friend
Parents over-sharing their personal issues with their children for emotional support
Poor boundaries
Extreme lack of physical or emotional privacy between parents and children
Parents frequently hover around their children’s lives, depriving them of adequate personal space
Children feel responsible for the feelings of a parent
Conflict avoidant
Impact of enmeshment trauma
Children feel the pressure to fulfil their parents’ wishes for the formal’s own future
Lack of self-identity in interpersonal relationships outside of one’s own family
Difficulty in interpersonal relationships
Low self-esteem
Fear of abandonment
Do not stand up for oneself
Constantly seeking approval and validation from others
Disconnected from one’s own beliefs, feelings and interests
Constantly feeling responsible for others
Healing from enmeshment trauma
Set boundaries. Recognise the importance of personal space. Learn to create personal boundaries for oneself with family and friends allows one to cultivate a healthy separation between themselves and others. Boundaries can include both physical and emotional.
Developing one’s self-identity. Enmeshment trauma may cause a low sense of self, eventually resulting in one constantly engaging in people-pleasing behaviours. Take time to understand one’s own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and hobbies. Start participating in self-reflection to construct the ideal self.
Find support outside of family members. It can be highly challenging to detach oneself from what has become the norm to them. Additionally, one may struggle to detach themselves from the family due to guilt and void created when doing so. Therefore, finding a supportive social circle can help hold the individual accountable. Moreover, friends can aid in providing emotional support and help individuals with the process of finding their self-identity.
Be patient. Change is scary. Growing up in an enmeshed family can potentially alter one’s perspective of a typical functional family. While it can be hard to take the first step, being patient and trusting the process is vital. Adjusting to different behavioural habits can make one feel as though they are turning their backs on their family and being disloyal. However, remember that one should not feel guilty for trying to break out of a toxic dynamic.
Seek professional help. Speaking to a professional can help one to find their sense of self-worth and learn to manage better. As an enmeshed family can make one feel almost guilty for wanting a change, talking to a professional can help with recovery, especially when the journey gets too overwhelming.
Conclusion
While being close to your family is good, being overly involved can lead to enmeshment trauma. Enmeshment trauma ultimately boils down to an excessive lack of boundaries. Therefore, it is crucial to establish boundaries within the family and to stand up for oneself when the emotional attachment makes one feel uncomfortable. We acknowledge that growing up in enmeshed families is not a choice. However, remember that you always have the autonomy to break this unhealthy cycle. Family can be very important. Howbeit, it is not okay when these relationships have a negative impact on our mental health. Take the first step; we are here whenever you need us.