Welcome back lovely people.
February is coming to an end in just a jiffy. In our last valentine post, we focused on confession and managing our responses to the confession. In this post, we want to dedicate it to everyone who is in a relationship. A relationship has its ups and downs, and it is not always sunshine and laughter. As you walk this journey with your teammate, conflicts are bound to arise and it may feel overwhelming to solve them.
Before we get to those moments, here are seven principles from John Gottman, a prominent clinical psychologist and marriage researcher.
Enhance your love maps
Similar to the details that you find on a map, love maps are to be mapped with your knowledge of your partner. These details range from the simplest things like their favourite colour, to their values, and their day-to-day emotions and thoughts.The same way that you have a map of them, they too have a map of you.
Nurture your fondness and admiration
Happy relationships are built on respect for each other and having a generally positive view of the other person. Specifically, shared fondness and admiration prevents contempt. Some examples of contempt include acting like your partner is beneath you, disrespecting them, and mocking them with sarcasm. By nurturing fondness and admiration, it promotes respect in the relationship. To promote fondness and admiration, you can do so by telling them specific things that you love about them. Some examples include:
I love how you _____.
I am proud of the way you _____.
Make it a habit for you and your partner to say it out loud. It reinforces the positive aspects of the relationship and honestly, hearing something nice from your loved ones would just make your day.
Turn toward each other instead of away
We all know that a relationship requires constant effort and it lies in small things. As Gottaman stated, turning towards your partner means an attempt (verbal or non-verbal) to get their attention, affection, affirmation, or any positive connection. This process is also known as a bid. Although women are more likely to make a bid as compared to men, in the healthiest relationships, partners are comfortable to make bids of different nature (serious, funny, or sexual). Pay attention when your partner makes an attempt to want to form a positive connection.
Missing a bid or to reject a bid is to turn away. When bids are missed, we internalize the experience and subconsciously keep track of how many bids that we are denied. When we are constantly rejected, we would feel frustrated and may be more inclined to criticize them which would ultimately result in an argument. Overtime, it creates resentment and may lead to a break up or the partner whose bids are denied may make bids somewhere else.
Let your partner influence you
This is not about letting your partner control you. This is about considering each other’s perspective and making decisions together. By honoring and respecting each other, it would allow you to find common ground with your partner.
Resolve your solvable problems
When conflict arises, couples have to figure out if the conflict is tied to a situation or if there are underlying differences that are resulting in the issues. Good news for you, problems with underlying issues do not necessarily need to be solved to have a happy relationship. A couple can agree to disagree on issues as such. On the contrary, conflict arising from situations will need to be managed.
During conflict, it is easy for one to fall prey to The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The Four Horsemen is coined by none other than John Gottaman, a metaphor used to describe unconstructive ways of communicating with your partner. Below shows an infographic on how one may react negatively to the conflict and ways to overcome it.
When we want to raise an issue, it is always tempting to want to blame our loved ones instead of just talking about the issue. If you find yourself frustrated and ready to lash out, take a moment, use the antidotes to start the conversation instead. Remember, it is about the event and not the person’s belief or personality. What you want out of the confrontation is a compromise and to solve the problem. You can complain and raise your concerns but do not start blaming. That usually is the cue for The Four Horsemen to arrive.
6. Overcome gridlock
Conflicts that have underlying issues are known as gridlock perpetual problems. These problems are characterized by the following:
No solution despite multiple discussions
Feeling frustrated and hurt during the discussion
Nobody is willing to compromise on their position
Feeling emotionally disengaged from each other due to the conflict
Being able to talk about these problems already shows that you do respect and love each other. The issue here is not about solving the problem. It is to be able to accept that there are differences and the goal is to stop the problem from causing more hurt.
To compromise, Gottaman suggests drawing two circles – one big and one small. The small one should include all your non-negotiables for the issue while the big circle includes things that you are flexible about. Try to make your list in the big circle as big as possible. Compare the list afterwards to come up with a temporary compromise.
Remember to express your gratitude for your partner who worked with you to make this compromise. Expressing appreciation goes a long way.
7. Create shared meaning
As people, we all come from different backgrounds and have differing perspectives. Even though we all play a role in the relationship, it is not just about that. You are creating a vision that encompasses both of your dreams. Naturally, through being open and respecting each other’s perspective and opinions, the couple would be happier and have a healthier relationship.
On top of what we can do as a couple, we have to look inwards to understand ourselves. Understanding what our needs are and how it affects what we want from our partners may explain some of the conflicts that we experience in our relationship. Through extensive research, attachment styles are identified to be a crucial factor to understand needs and how it drives our behaviours. Attachment styles are developed through our experiences with our primary caregivers. As they are our first experience in forming a relationship, the style of attachment we form with them would be perpetuated in our relationships with others.
Here are the four types of adult attachment styles and how it affects us.
Secure
People with secure attachment styles have a low tendency to avoid forming relationships and have low anxiety while maintaining relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and bringing closeness into the relationship. Moreover, they are not threatened when their partners form new relationships as the availability of their partners does not threaten their sense of safety and trust.
Preoccupied
People with a preoccupied attachment style tend to feel like they are not worthy of love even though they may feel supported and accepted by others. They present with a low tendency to avoid forming relationships but have high anxiety while maintaining these relationships. They are highly critical and doubtful of themselves and have a fear of rejection. Moreover, they seek approval and reassurance from others.
Dismissive-Avoidant
People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style are the direct opposite of people with preoccupied attachment styles. They have a high tendency to avoid forming relationships but have low anxiety maintaining them. They tend to distance themselves as they do not trust others.
Fearful-avoidant
People with fearful-avoidant attachment style are typically fearful of making relationships and are highly anxious that their partners would not accept them even though they have strong desire for both. They feel like they are unlovable and will ultimately be rejected. Thus, they tend to present with a high tendency to avoid forming relationships and high anxiety while maintaining the relationship. As they do want intimacy and acceptance despite their beliefs of themselves and others, they may form the relationship and retreat when they start to feel vulnerable, causing the other party to be confused.
By understanding your attachment style, you will then be better able to communicate your needs and the anxieties that you may have. Attachment styles can affect different aspects of our lives. If you feel like it has affected your life but you are unsure, reach out to our friendly psychologist today!