Happy Valentine's day!
Love is in the air. For many, today is a day to celebrate with the people that we love. To show the world how in love you are and to show each other how much you appreciate them. During this time, many may also use this chance to proclaim their love, in hopes of having their love reciprocated.
Confession is always hard since you have to bear your heart and risk getting hurt. It requires us to put our pride and defenses down in hopes that the other person would respond positively to us. This anxiety inducing event has often left many breathless and sweaty. Being nervous is just one of the many feelings that you may feel when you make the decision to confess. Many times, we may be tempted not to say it in fear of losing the relationship altogether. More often than not, when we sense an undesirable outcome, we will try to cover it up or to twist our words so that we do not need to face the consequence of rocking the boat. However, as we bear our hearts in hopes that the other party will take care of our heart, we should be reminded that they are not obliged to give us the answer that we want. More importantly, we can only control our reaction to their answer.
To manage our reaction, we must first understand what the intention of a confession is. Is a confession a demand or an invitation for the other person to journey with you through love? Does the other person have a choice in this matter? We both know what it should be. A successful romantic relationship requires all parties to consistently put in effort in the relationship. As such, the other person will also have to be invested in the relationship for it to work. Thus, unsurprisingly, the intention of a confession is to invite the other person to journey with you. This means that it is a choice and we have to respect their decision.
It is human nature to feel hurt when rejected. We are social beings and it is one of our fundamental needs to belong. In fact, in various neurological studies, romantic rejection activates the part of our brain that signals physical pain. Therefore, feelings of hurt are expected when our advances are rejected. On top of that, as rejection is a result of the other person’s evaluation of us, their judgment of us can make us feel devalued and shamed for not being chosen. These feelings may cause our self-esteem and self-worth to fall. As such, feelings of sadness and anger may arise as a defense reaction to the event.
Gender differences can influence our response to rejection due to the difference in ways we were socialized. Based on various studies, generally, males are more likely to take offense when rejected as they perceive the rejection as a challenge to their masculinity. As such, it may lead them to lash out and to protect and reinstate their masculinity. On the contrary, women are more likely to perceive a deficit in themselves that led to the rejection. As a result, they tend to adopt self-soothing methods. Despite these findings, it is definitely not a reflection of all males and all females.
So… what should we do when we feel hurt from the rejection?
Sometimes when we feel too overwhelmed by the love that we could not give, we may express all these emotions through extreme behaviors. For example, we may turn to emotional threats and blackmail to show the other person how much we want them to be a part of our lives. Moreover, as these feelings may feel too big for us to contain, our emotional instability may lead us to intense attack or withdrawal behavioral responses. These can include self harm, in various ways, not limited to physical self harm. Additionally, it can also include self loathing and intensification of the superego, where our internal critic becomes very loud and cruel towards ourselves. This can result in the activation of schemas such as feeling like a failure and defectiveness (i.e. something is wrong with me).
As we established earlier, a confession is an invitation for the other person to join you in the journey of love. Hence, regardless of their responses, we will have to respect their decision. Thus, when we get an unfavorable response, it is on us to manage our emotions and be gracious to the other person. You can choose to take some time away from the other person if it feels too hard to spend time with them. However, depending on whether you still want the friendship, there is a need to communicate your intention to have a break. In the meantime, you can do things that make you feel happy and valued so as to remind yourself that you are not defined by the outcome of the confession. You are worthy and you will find your person.
In the event where the hurt and anger is too much and you find it hard to go about your day, reach out. Your challenges are valid and significant. Do not be afraid to put yourself first. Our helpful psychologists are here to help you navigate these rough waters.
To our hopeless romantics with much love to give, we applaud your courage to be vulnerable and we do wish you the best. Regardless of the outcome, remember to be proud that you tried and you took a chance and showed your vulnerability. You are not defined by the outcome of the confession.