Co-author: Zanise Lim
Sibling rivalry refers to the competition, jealousy, and conflicts that can occur among blood-siblings, step-siblings, and foster siblings. It is normal and common for children who share living spaces, resources, and the attention of caregivers. In fact, according to various research studies, this process serves a developmental purpose. It helps children differentiate themselves from their siblings and understand their uniqueness. Furthermore, some research suggests that the child’s responses demonstrate that the older child is appropriately attached to their caregivers and responsive to a perceived threat to their relationship. Other factors like age differences, developmental stages, and differences in temperaments are associated with the responses of the child. Notably, the intensity of sibling rivalry is mediated by caregivers' responses in managing the children. In this article, we seek to explore the causes of sibling rivalry, what parents can do to encourage conflict resolution between the kids, and the ways parents can help their kids get along better.
What Does Sibling Rivalry Look Like?
As proposed by Dixon and Stein (2006), sibling rivalry may come in various forms, as listed below:
Aggressive Behaviour. Hostility towards the younger sibling can range from subtle behavior like removing a toy or taking a pacifier out of the baby’s mouth to verbal or physical aggression directed to cause harm. Commonly, one may tease their sibling or exclude them from play.
Naughtiness. The child may engage in actions against the family’s rules when caregivers attend to younger siblings. This strategy serves to both increase tension in the household and verify the continuing power of the toddler to alter the behavior of those around them.
Overly Compliant. The child may become ‘extra good’ for fear of being replaced. Some children may end up excessively holding back their anger and aggressive feelings as a result. This could potentially lead to an active aggressive pattern or an irritable, depressed mood.
Regressive and Dependent Behaviour. The child may become clinging or demanding. They could potentially experience other types of regressive behavior like sleep disturbances, stuttering, thumb-sucking, bedwetting, eating refusals or demands, and baby talk. These responses serve to see whether one can get the same attention and care as the infant and are also the expected response to any stress and demand for adjustment.
Causes of Sibling Rivalry
Life Changes. Changes such as moving to a new home, caregivers going through a divorce, and the arrival of a new baby are some major events that could potentially be stressful for both parents and the child. Children may project their frustrations or anger towards their siblings as they are unable to express themselves.
Individuality. As a part of growing up, children differentiate themselves from their siblings as they age. They may compete with each other in areas they have in common, such as who performs better academically. For some children, they may choose not to engage in the same extracurricular activities as their siblings as they do not want to be compared.
Family Dynamics. If a child is injured, suffering from a chronic illness, or has special needs, caregivers may provide more care to that child and unintentionally neglect the other child. This may lead to jealousy between siblings. Although the child may understand the reason for the lack of attention, they may still feel envious of the attention their other sibling gets.
Conflict Resolution Skills. Children lacking these skills may cause simple disagreements to escalate to full-blown arguments or physical altercations. They may struggle to express their feelings and needs effectively or listen to each other's perspectives, hence perpetuating misunderstandings and conflict. The prolonged stress and tension from these instances can lead to feelings of anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem.
Favouritism. Caregivers who continuously show attention to a particular child may worsen sibling rivalry, as these instances could evoke feelings of jealousy and envy within the other children.
What Can Caregivers Do to Encourage Conflict Resolution Between the Kids?
Set Boundaries. Firmly but gently help the child understand that aggressive behavior like physical altercations is not acceptable. Also, becoming more aggressive does not help in resolving conflict; in fact, it can escalate the conflict and make matters worse.
Lead by example. Show children how to resolve conflicts calmly and respectfully. It is important to express emotions in a healthy manner for conflicts to be effectively resolved.
Teach Empathy. Encourage kids to put themselves in their siblings’ shoes. For example, guide them by asking questions like “Why do you think your sister is angry when you took her belongings without telling her?” This will allow opportunities for children to reflect and gain alternative perspectives.
Be the Mediator. Caregivers could step in as a mediator to facilitate communication between children when conflicts start. This would allow them to practice expressing themselves in a healthy and adaptive manner.
How can caregivers help their children get along better?
Avoid playing favorites. Show equal attention and affection to all children. Check in with each child to know how they are feeling and actively listen to their struggles or interests. It could be useful for caregivers to try to understand the likes and dislikes of each child.
Avoid Comparison. Avoid comparing children. Caregivers may commonly say things like “Your sister scored well on her examinations, why can’t you?”. This may cause the child to be jealous and possibly resentful towards their siblings. Instead, parents can focus on individual talents and provide encouragement and support for each of the children.
Facilitate family time. Plan activities for the family to bond and create happy memories together.
It is important to remember that building good sibling relationships takes time and effort, and conflicts between siblings are a part of growing up. The above-mentioned strategies are some that caregivers could consider in providing guidance and support for their children to get along better. The family can seek family therapy to improve the relationships between family members. A little effort can make a huge difference. Reach out today.
Interesting read
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/B0323029159500136