Attachment style is something that has been discussed widely. The basis of attachment has been to understand one’s potential to make strong connections with other individual. Knowing one’s attachment style can help one understand their response to intimacy, closeness, and emotional connection. With greater insights, it can help one understand how they may communicate their needs and their attachment style would have an impact on relationships and inevitably, parenting styles. In this new series, the articles would cover each of the four attachment styles - how it looks in children and adults, the impact on role as partners and caregivers, and possible pitfalls. In this article, we will briefly look at the history of attachment styles and secure attachment.
History of attachment styles
Briefly, the basis of attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst to understand the intense distress that an infant feels when separated from their parents. Distress behaviours exhibited by these babies serve to achieve their goal of establishing closeness with their caregiver. Furthermore, it was observed that the infants would regulate differently depending on the accessibility and attentiveness of the caregiver. It was later further developed by Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist. Central to her research, the technique called ‘strange situation’ was created to observe the child’s responses to their parents when they leave the room and when they return to the room. These responses were then categorised into 3 attachment styles – secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure. The fourth attachment style – disorganised-insecure was later added by Main and Soloman (1986). To further understand attachment style, Hazan and Shaver (1987) and Brennan, Clark, and Shaver (1998) research then looked into its relevance in the adult population. It was then when the four attachment styles were established – secure, preoccupied, fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant were rated on two dimensions – avoidance and anxiety for both the children and adult population. Although there is no direct causation of childhood attachment style to adulthood, many studies have shown that early attachment styles can predict patterns of behaviour in adulthood.
Secure attachment
How does it look like?
This attachment style is formed when caregivers are readily accessible to the child and are responsive to the child’s needs. However, between the caregiver’s many responsibilities and the child’s needs it is inevitable for parents to miss some of the child’s needs. Based on various research, it was found that being able to address and repair these raptures can help sustain a secure attachment. Children with this style of attachment tend to feel safe and validated by their caregivers. They tend to see their caregivers as a secure base and would feel safe enough to explore knowing that they can return to their caregivers for safety. Children with this attachment style are observed to be in distress when caregivers leave and happy when they return. They will actively seek comfort from their caregiver and would allow their caregiver to initiate contact with them. Although these children can be soothe by others, these children have a preference for their primary caregivers to do so. Interestingly, children with secure attachments were found to be more empathetic in the later stage of childhood. They are generally more cooperative, better liked by peers, and has the propensity to form and maintain supportive friendships.
Adults with secure attachment tend to have a positive view of themselves and others. As such, they feel more self-sufficient and are comfortable seeking for help when needed. Generally, these adults have better self-esteem, self-worth, self-identity, and are able to set healthy boundaries in relationships. They also tend to be better at regulating their emotions and are more resilient in the face of conflicts and challenges. With others, they are able to trust and is comfortable with emotional closeness. Hence, they can make strong connection with others and feel secure enough to have a balance between independence and interdependence in relationships. Typically, adults with secure attachment would find their relationships more satisfying.
How are they like as partners?
Generally, secure partners are able to foster a sense of trust and respect in a relationship. They are able to prioritise their partner’s happiness while still being able to be themselves in a relationship. Here are some characteristics that are commonly present in them:
Emotionally available and responsive. They tend to be attuned to their partners needs and would provide comfort, support, and understanding when needed. They are able to provide a sense of security in their relationships.
Open communication. A secure adult is able to effectively and openly communicate their needs, feelings, and desires to their romantic partner. It is important to them to have a safe space for communication with their partners.
Trust. Secure partners are able to trust their partner and thus feel secure in the relationship. They tend to be consistent and reliable partners that would fulfill their promises.
Conflict resolution. When faced with conflicts, a secure partner would look to solve the issue in a respectful and constructive manner. They are open to hearing from the partner’s perspective and would actively work together to have a mutually satisfactory solution.
How are they like as caregivers?
Typically, secure adults as caregivers are able to provide a warm, loving, and supportive environment for their child. They are able to form a strong relationship with their child and allow them to have a healthy emotional and social development. Below are some characteristics of secure adults as caregivers:
Available and responsive. As caregivers, they are emotionally and physically available and responsive to their child’s needs. They would prioritise being there for their child by making time for quality interactions and activities. In the long run, this would allow their child to form a secure attachment style.
Reliable and consistent. They are able to create a predictable and stable environment through established routines and boundaries for their child. By communicating these rules and boundaries in a loving and firm manner, it allows the child to have structure and self-discipline. Furthermore, this allows the child to have a sense of security and trust in them.
Effective communication. Secure adults are able to have open dialogues with their child. They are unafraid of being challenged or questioned and they are able to listen to their child’s perception and validate their experiences. By using age-appropriate language, they are able to help their child understand the world around them.
Values autonomy. Secure caregivers are supportive of their child’s independence and autonomy. They allow their child to explore and make age-approprate decisions while providing guidance and setting limits with them. Thus, allowing their child to foster a sense of self-confidence and self-identity in the long run.
Possible pitfalls
It is important to note that these are not resultants of secure attachments. But rather, potential challenges that an individual may meet.
Ignoring the bad. As secure individuals tend to believe the good in people, they may end up finding excuses for bad behaviour of others. They may downplay problematic behaviour and thus may take a longer time to recognise or address these issues when it arises in their interpersonal relationships.
Prioritises harmony. Generally, a secure individual would seek to resolve conflict in a harmonious and respectful manner. They may comprise their needs and desires if it helps to resolve the issues.
Overall, having a secure attachment style allows one to form satisfying and meaningful relationships. Moreover, they are able to provide a safe and supportive environment for the people around them. It is important to note that attachment styles can evolve and change over time. Hence, gaining insights on the impact of attachment style can allow one to have greater self-awareness and, potential areas that they may want to grow in.
Interesting reads
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/securely-attached-superpowers/
https://www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/