Welcome back to part two of attachment styles. In this article, we will dive into the preoccupied attachment style and explore how it looks in children as well as adults. We will explore the impact on their role as partners and caregivers and possible pitfalls of this style. Preoccupied attachment style, also known as anxious attachment style or sometimes ambivalent attachment refers to an individual who has a strong desire for closeness and intimacy but also has high levels of anxiety for fear of rejection or abandonment. Their need for security and fear of being left behind can be so powerful that it causes them high levels of distress. As such, they may constantly seek reassurance and validation from the people around them to soothe their anxiety.
How does it develop?
This attachment style was found to be a result of inconsistent care from their primary caregiver. These parents are sometimes supportive and responsive to the child but other times, not. Hence, for the child, it can be very confusing and difficult to understand their caregiver’s behaviour. When the child is uncertain if their caregiver would be available and reliable to fulfill their needs, the unpredictability then causes them to be highly anxious and preoccupied with their caregivers’ availability as they want to be close to them. Commonly, raising a child in this manner can be an automatic process that caregivers who were raised the same way may not even realise.
In some instances, caregivers may use ‘love withdrawal’ as a form of discipline. This tactic is when caregivers intentionally stop expressing love and affection towards the child in hopes of modifying their behaviour. For example, caregivers may use tactics like silent treatment (i.e. ignore/refuse to communicate with their child). As such, making the child feel rejected, and possibly cause the child to form beliefs like ‘they are not good enough’ and ‘love is conditional’. These beliefs may cause the child to have low self-esteem and self-worth, leading to poorer mental health in the long run.
How does it look like?
Due to the inconsistencies and unpredictability of the caregivers, a child with a preoccupied attachment style would typically want to be physically close to their caregivers for assurance and attention. As such, it is common for them to experience separation anxiety when they are separated from their caregiver. Generally, the level of distress is not affected by the amount of time the child is away from their caregiver. As such, even though the caregiver would leave for a short period, the child’s fear of abandonment would cause intense distress as they worry if their caregiver would return. Furthermore, the child may be dependent on the caregiver to soothe them rather than learning to self-soothe. On top of the fear of abandonment, the child may be hypersensitive to rejection for fear that their caregivers would not be there to fulfill their needs. They tend to be highly attuned to cues of rejection or disapproval from their caregivers. In some instances, the child may start to interpret a neutral response as a rejection. Hence, causing them to feel more anxious and stressed. The combination of these feelings can result in the child being inconsistent with exploring their environment as they may struggle between their curiosity and desire to stay close to their caregivers.
As adults, people with preoccupied attachment styles would experience similar distress caused by fear of rejection and abandonment. The heightened anxiety and worry can cause them to be hypersensitive to cues and little things may trigger their sense of insecurity. As such, causing their emotions to fluctuate between distress and euphoria. They may become overly reliant on others to help them manage their emotions. Commonly, people with this attachment style can become 'people pleasers' as they want to form close relationships with other people, yet are afraid that others would reject their authentic selves. Thus, they would try to accommodate the other person and compromise their needs. In situations where they are rejected by others, they may blame themselves or even feel that they are unworthy of love.
How are they like as partners?
Preoccupied partners can exhibit certain behaviour due to their insecurities. Here are some characteristics that are commonly present in them:
A constant need for reassurance. Due to their desire to be close and fear of abandonment, partners can become clingy and seek attention and validation from their partners.
Overdependence. Due to the need for external validation, people with a preoccupied attachment style rely heavily on their partners to feel good about themselves. As such, one’s emotional well-being is often tied to how intimate and close one feels to their partner.
Jealousy and possessive. Preoccupied partners can behave in these ways as they feel threatened by the interactions their partners have with others. These intense feelings are often a result of their fear of being replaced or abandoned.
Excessive self-disclosure. In some instances, they may use this as a way to seek validation and create emotional closeness. Preoccupied partners may feel compelled to reveal intimate details about themselves early on in a relationship as an attempt to test their partner's commitment.
How are they like as caregivers?
In many instances, preoccupied caregivers may subconsciously exhibit parenting styles that they grew up with. Below are some characteristics of preoccupied adults as caregivers:
Enmeshment. Caregivers may find it hard to establish boundaries with their children for fear of being abandoned and rejected by them. They may overly control and monitor their child’s behaviour.
Difficult to promote independence. Caregivers may find it hard to let their children explore and make decisions for themselves for fear of separation or rejection.
Emotionally volatile. Caregivers with preoccupied attachment style can experience intense fluctuations in their mood which affects their availability to support their child’s emotions.
Possible pitfalls
Although people with preoccupied attachment style can struggle with insecurities more intensely than people with secure attachment styles, it does not mean that they are unable to be understanding partners and nurturing caregivers. It is important for the individual to learn to communicate their needs to their partners for them to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
Push-pull dynamics. One’s fear of abandonment and rejection and desire for intimacy and closeness may cause them to alternate between pursuing and distancing themselves from their partner. This may cause instability in their relationship and their partners to be unsure of what they want.
Neglect self-care. These individuals may choose to prioritise the needs of their partner and neglect their own for fear of being rejected. In some instances, one may lose sight of their sense of self and undermine their well-being.
Difficulty trusting others. Due to their fears and insecurities, one may constantly doubt their partner’s intention and the stability of the relationship.
While it can be hard to manage these fears and insecurities, being able to recognise these tendencies can help one work towards forming healthier relationship patterns. With the help of therapy, one can examine these fears and develop alternative ways to overcome the challenges that they face. These personal growths would help in developing more secure and fulfilling relationships in the long term.