Co-author: Zanise Lim Xuan
Divorce is highly stressful and emotionally draining for everyone in the family. It can be very confusing and scary for children to witness the breakup of their family. Commonly, feelings of helplessness, anger, shock, grief, guilt or self-blame could arise within the child. In this article, we delve into the effects of divorce on children at different age groups, what parents can do to support the child after divorce, and understanding when it is appropriate to seek professional help for their child.
Effect of divorce on children
0 to 2 years old (Infants and toddlers)
While infants and toddlers may be too young to understand the conflict going on between the adults, they are able to feel the tension at home and may be affected by their parents’ emotions. If the tension drags on for a long time, they may become more irritable and clingy to their parents especially when new people are around. They may experience more emotional outbursts and could take a longer time to be soothed. Across various studies, it was observed that signs of developmental delay could also occur in areas like eating independently, toilet training, and sleeping patterns.
3 to 4 years old (Pre-nursery and nursery)
Preschoolers are too young to understand the concept of divorce but are able to notice a drastic change in their parents' relationship and possible changes in living arrangement. According to various studies, it was found that these children are more prone to believing that they are the cause of the divorce. For some children, they may try to understand these differences by frequently asking questions about these changes. In some instances, children may constantly seek reassurance from their caregivers for fear of being abandoned by one or both parents. The child could demand for more attention by being more clingy or throwing tantrums such as crying, screaming or kicking. Additionally, some children may experience changes in sleep patterns such as sleep refusal or nighttime walking due to their fears and insecurity.
5 to 8 years old (Kindergarten and lower primary school)
At this age, it is still difficult for the child to fully understand the reasons behind their parents’ divorce. The uncertainty of the future and fear of abandonment may cause drastic behavioural changes with the child. They may be more sensitive and reactive to caregivers’ behavioural and emotional cues, taking sides with one parent while rejecting the other, expressing aggressive behaviours such as raising one’s voice to get attention from parents. Across various studies, children in lower primary (i.e., primary one and two) may experience decreased attention span in their classes and thus resulting in poorer academic performance. Notably, children in this age group may believe that the parent who leaves the home has “abandoned” the family or no longer wants them. The loss of the parent can possibly result in resentment, grief, and shame. As such, causing them to have lower self-esteem and self-worth.
9 to 12 years old (Upper primary school)
At this age, the child is capable of verbally expressing their feelings and can better comprehend the changes that come with the divorce. In some instances, the child may attempt to take on the responsibility of diffusing tension between parents or even help to resolve fights between them. Furthermore, some children may resent their parents for breaking up the family and putting them through these changes. At times, they may blame a particular parent for causing the divorce. As a result, the child could potentially start to take sides and be more protective over the parent that they live with. During this time, it is important for parents to be involved in the child’s life as the child could experience feelings of loneliness and anger due to the divorce.
13 to 18 years old (Secondary school and tertiary education)
These youths could have a better understanding of the reasons behind the divorce. Generally, they are more likely to have the tools to manage their emotions independently and have social support groups that they can depend on. Furthermore, they are more likely to have access to resources to help them process these changes. During this period, the child could possibly choose to focus on people and things outside of the family as a way of coping. They might become more rebellious and engage in at-risk behaviours such as truancy or smoking as a distraction from their emotions or if divorced parents do not set boundaries.
What parents could do to ease the transition after divorce?
Spend quality time with the child. Creating a safe space for the child to open up about their feelings. It is important to validate and manage potential fears, anxieties, or resentment that may arise with these changes. Being emotionally and physically available to your child during these turbulent times gives them the opportunity to reach out and have a better understanding of the situation. Moreover, it helps to build and maintain relationships with them.
Work on co-parenting skills. In instances where both partners continue to care for the child, it is important to communicate regularly and openly to ensure that the child is provided with consistent expectations, rules, and structures. The stability and consistency is crucial in maintaining a sense of safety for the child.
Keep relationship problems away from the child. Divorce is a decision between adults. At times, it can be difficult to stop oneself from wanting the child to favour you rather than your partner due to the ongoing tension, stress and possible anger or hostility. Although it may be unintentional, triangulating the child can potentially cause great distress as they may feel obliged to take sides, especially if they are still young.
Long term impacts of divorce on children
According to various studies, children with divorced parents may develop insecure attachment styles. This could negatively affect their interpersonal relationships in the long run. In some instances, the child may become quieter or withdrawn. They may prefer to spend more time alone. For some, they may have a harder time regulating their emotions. As such, experiencing more anger outbursts or crying. Generally, due to the many adversities and changes that the child may face, children from divorced families are found to be associated with higher levels of depression and engagement in risky behaviours such as smoking and substance use physical and if emotional needs were unmet during the course of the divorce, it is possible for them to experience feelings of helplessness and low self-worth.
When to seek professional help?
As the child’s behaviour can vary from usual, the changes observed by caregivers could also be perplexing for them. In these instances, it would be wise to seek professional help to understand these changes in the child. Moreover, seeking professional help can allow the child to express the uncertainties and insecurities they may have due to the divorce. As such, allowing the child to have an outlet to voice their perceptions, feel understood by someone, and better able to express themselves in these turbulent times.
Signs of depression. Lack of interest in activities they used to enjoy, withdrawal and avoiding social interactions, frequent crying, increased irritability, or low mood.
Signs of low self-worth. The child may express beliefs that they are not needed or not worthy to be loved. For example, saying “Nobody cares if I die” or “Everyone will be happy without me”.
Being more rebellious. The child shows disinterest in studying, not doing homework, showing poor academic results, or even playing truancy.
Divorce can potentially cause childhood trauma and can disrupt a child’s sense of security and safety if they were not taken care of. Validating the child’s feelings and spending quality time together with the child is important for the child to feel loved and cared for. As such, it is important to continue to priortise the child’s needs as the family transition into a different phase of life. You are not alone in this journey. Reach out today.
Interesting reads