Co-author: Ricole Tay
Have you ever felt that deep down, you are a people pleaser? You find it hard to say no and readily agree to do too many things, even though some may be out of your comfort zone or capacity. One may find themselves caught in this pattern in fear of letting others down, and it is, more often than not, the result of poor boundaries. Boundaries have a broad definition and can be applied in many different contexts. In literal terms, boundaries mark the limit of an area. Personal boundaries are an invisible line that separates what one thinks is acceptable behaviour and what is not. It is highly subjective and varies differently for everyone. Personal boundaries can potentially help guide and maintain one’s life morals. Whether applying personal boundaries in emotional, physical or interpersonal situations as a form of self-care, it significantly impacts one’s life.
Forms of personal boundaries
Physical boundaries. Turning down physical contact that is deemed uncomfortable to one. Any physical violations can include inappropriate touching, any forms of nonconsensual intimacy or violating one’s privacy. For example, when one experiences discomfort hugging or having any forms of physical contact with another person, one can stop that interaction by pointing it out. They can highlight their boundaries by telling others things that they are uncomfortable with.
Emotional boundaries. Allow room for one’s feelings and thoughts without being criticized or invalidated, and not have to take care of other people's feelings. Emotional boundaries can mean standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be talked down to. Furthermore, it allows one to say no without feeling guilty. For example, rejecting social gathering, replying to texts only when one has the capacity for it or putting away one’s phone to focus on themselves.
Importance of personal boundaries
Drawing boundaries is the first step. However, keeping to one’s boundaries requires practice before it becomes a natural response. Initally, one may find it hard to reject going to social events and feel bad for declining others. However, when one starts putting in a conscious effort to keep their boundaries, they will realise that replies such as “let me check my schedule, and I will let you know again” becomes more comfortable over time. Setting personal boundaries lets others know what is acceptable and what is not. It allows one to safeguard their time and energy and subsequently allows them to build a safe space for themselves.
Benefits of having good boundaries
There are many potential advantages of having good boundaries, and some can unintentionally undermined. For starters, personal boundaries can help to avoid burnout, extreme stress and even anxiety. Furthermore, establishing clear boundaries can help improve communication and reduce the likelihood of any miscommunication or assumption. Setting good boundaries can also be tied to personality traits such as increasing assertiveness, compassion and empathy.
Implications of poor boundaries
Through various studies, it was found that the ability to say no or reject advances is closely associated with one’s self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to how one values and perceives themselves. As such, when one readily do what others want instead of what they need to gain the likes of others, it is likely that they have poorer self-esteem. Furthermore, individuals with poor boundaries may feel disrespected by others as others may not know where their limits are. Unfortunately, these feelings may not be known to others as the individual may struggle to share their feelings with others. As a result, they may feel unheard, invalidated, and self-doubt. These self-doubts and feelings of being unimportant can have negative impact on one’s perception of self and thus further impacts one’s self-esteem.
As much as agreeing to the requests of others may make one appear to be nice and helpful, it can also be an act to seek approval from others. Poor boundaries can gradually destroy interpersonal relationships as they can alter one’s overall outlook and management of friendships. The individual may start feeling irritable or angry with others for having needs while their own needs are not met, leading to resentment. For example, one may accept their colleagues/teammates request to do extra work even though they are unable to manage. The extra workload or commitments, one may start to have trouble concentrating which causes one to be absent-minded.
In many of these instances, the individual may feel guilty and selfish in situations where boundaries are necessary. As such, even though they know that they cannot manage, they would still choose to do what others want instead of voicing out their needs.
Ways to set healthy boundaries
Get in touch with yourself. The best way to know what is really important to you is to know yourself as much as possible. Doing so allows you to become familiar with what you are comfortable with, your beliefs, standpoints and emotions. The earlier points will contribute to helping one set clear and precise boundaries for themselves.
Respect yourself. Learn to say no or walk away from things or people who push your limits. It is okay to stand your ground to uphold your boundaries.
Communicate. Have open conversations about your boundaries with the people around you. It can be difficult for others to understand your viewpoint initially, but communicating maturely and calmly can help them rationalise the reasons behind the boundaries you set.
It is essential to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Be it emotional, sexual or physical boundaries; it can be traumatising if any of these boundaries are violated. Remember that taking time or measures to protect yourself is perfectly fine. As intimidating as it may seem, do not be afraid to say no. However, it is also important to note that everyone has different beliefs, and it may be challenging for others to see things through the same lens. Be patient when communicating your boundaries. Remember that the boundaries you set ultimately reflect what you stand for and should never be crossed unnecessarily or without consent. Keep in mind that you are not selfish to stop doing what is best for others and start doing what is best for yourself. Let us learn to not only construct boundaries for ourselves but also respect boundaries set by others.