Co-author: Tan Ing Keet Faythe
In our previous article on helping your child manage their examination stress and anxiety, we touched on validating them and acknowledging their efforts. This is an important aspect of any parent-child relationship due to the differences in temperaments. In this article, we will discuss ways in which you will be more attuned to your child and better understand their emotional cues to respond accurately to their needs.
Being an attuned parent refers to being aware of and responding to your child’s needs. Attunement is the key to better emotional intelligence and communication, and is connected to emotional attachment. Becoming an attuned parent starts as early as meeting an infant’s basic needs such as food, safety, warmth, and love. Meeting these needs build the foundation of a secure emotional attachment, allowing the child to feel a sense of security. Moreover, the secure attachment facilitates trust between the child and the adult. Thus, allowing the child to see the parent as a safe space and a person that they are willing to show their vulnerable side to. Other than meeting your child’s needs, it is vital to acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions regardless of how old they are as it helps them understand their emotions and it normalises the expression of their emotions.
Tuning in to your child
As much as you can, give your child your undivided attention. According to various research, children are capable of recognising emotions through body language and voices. Interestingly, a study in the United Kingdom found that children pay more attention to what they hear than what they see when identifying emotions. As such, when interacting with them, ensure that your focus is on them. They can tell through your verbal and non-verbal cues if you are distracted or not. Additionally, it is important to observe what your child’s attention is on. What do they like and dislike? What are they interested in? Understanding your child is the best way to tune in to them.
Practice empathic listening
Attuning to your child’s inner state could lead to a form of emotional resonance which enables your child to feel understood by you. This is the first step in building trust and allowing your child to feel comfortable being vulnerable with you. Subsequently, your responses to their disclosure will affect the degree in which they share with you. Be non-judgmental and mindful that the way they experience their emotions can differ greatly from yours. Remember, they are still developing and learning ways to deal with the issue at hand. Give them space to let you into their world and understand from their perspective. For example: instead of “Stop crying”, approach it with “ I am here to listen if you need to talk about it”. Instead of “There’s nothing to be nervous about,” respond with “It looks like this is hard for you, would you like to talk about it?.” Instead of “You need to think before you act!”, try “It must have been frustrating/stressful (name their feelings), let’s navigate this together.”
Help them become aware of their emotions
When faced with a situation, ask your child, “how are you feeling?” This helps them to take a second to identify, label and think about the emotions they are feeling. Understanding their emotions helps them with regulation, and self-regulation also allows children to use their internal resources to problem-solve and self-soothe. Emotional labeling can help expand their emotional vocabulary. You can help your child by breaking it into smaller steps (e.g., describing the triggers and making guesses about what your child might feel) or provide examples. For example, “I noticed that you looked sad when mother was leaving for work?” and “When brother raised his voice at you, I wonder if you felt angry?” These small steps would allow children to express their feelings and emotions better, making them feel heard and understood. As they get older, they would also be able to communicate more complex feelings.
Little things like these have a huge impact on the emotional intelligence of a child. At times, parents would find it challenging to attune to their child due to a number of reasons. If you’re having difficulties attuning to your child - feel free to reach out today.
Interesting read