Co-author: Belinda Sng Qi Rong
Happy Father's Day to all fathers! Our pillar of support in tough times, the silent provider with occasional dad jokes that give us goosebumps - we see you, today is for you. As much as we might want to deny, fathers are often underappreciated in the family. An interview conducted by HiHo Kids found that out of 100 children, 45 preferred their mothers, 18 preferred their fathers, and the other 36 children either liked both equally or preferred someone else over both parents. It is not uncommon for children to prefer one parent over the other, but when asked which parent they would prefer, children often reveal their preference for mommy over daddy - why is this so?
While these children may have thousands of goofy reasons as to why they prefer mom over dad, the main reasons boil down to the common expectations of gender roles and the division of labour within the household.
Gender roles
When we revisit our childhood memories, most of us would agree that we have more memories made with our mothers than our fathers, some may still have a closer bond with their mothers than fathers even in adulthood. This comes as no surprise as children tend to have a preference for their primary caregiver or an adult whom they have spent the most time with. Traditional gender roles have dictated that men should work and financially support the family, while women are to take on child-rearing duties. As such, despite more women joining the workforce and contributing to the family finances, work benefits with regard to child-rearing opportunities still gives the mother more chances to take care of the child as compared to fathers. Hence, heavily compromising the father-child bond. On the upside, with the introduction of shared parental leave in 2017, fathers can use the mother’s maternity leave to help take care of the child.
Toxic masculinity
In addition to the lack of time fathers spend with their children, societal expectations of how men should carry themselves often hinder the development of the relationship between the child and father. Toxic masculinity is a set of stereotyped societal expectations of men to portray themselves as tough, dominant, and antifeminist. These expectations meant that they should be physically strong, aggressive to gain dominance and power, and refrain from showing emotions and affection as it is considered feminine behaviour.
Toxic masculinity is found to be reinforced by societal attitudes. A survey conducted in 2018 found that words such as ‘protective’ and ‘provider’ were seen as desirable in men while ‘compassionate’ and ‘emotional’ were viewed as negative traits in men, despite them being reflected as desirable in women. This comes to show that society strongly values traits of strength and power in men, while emotion-related traits such as feelings and vulnerability are greatly frowned upon. Needless to say, with such pressure to excel at work and provide for their families, the time spent and quality of engagement with their families is greatly compromised.
Effects of toxic masculinity on mental health
Unsurprisingly, this set of toxic expectations is detrimental to men’s mental health. The expectation for men to be emotionally distant makes them less likely to express their feelings and show affection to their loved ones. This, then, is likely to impact their interaction and communication with their children. Some of us may recall our fathers to be less emotionally attuned as compared to our mothers, which inevitably leads to us having a closer bond with our mothers. Suppressing one’s expression of emotions can give rise to feelings of depression and anxiety in the long run. As quoted from Romper’s article (2017), ‘telling boys to hide their emotions makes them put on a mask they can never take off out of the fear of being seen as weak’. When emotional attunement is discouraged, internal feelings can be channelled outwards and be physically expressed in the form of aggression or violence.
The effects of toxic masculinity are not just limited to individuals, but within households across generations. When fathers inhibit their expression of emotions at home, communication in the family is inevitably impaired. Without an open channel of communication to express their needs, and support for one another, it makes it challenging for the family to bond. With children, these toxic masculinity traits can easily be socialised and internalised, reinforcing the cycle of toxic masculinity.
A father’s sacrifice
While there might be times of disagreement and misunderstanding, a father’s sacrifice is unconditional and immeasurable. To our pillars of support, thank you for being someone that we know we can rely on in times of need.
For fathers around the world, you are human and it is perfectly normal to feel emotions and express them. Repression prevents you from connecting with your child, the people who matter, and most importantly, yourself. It takes more courage to be vulnerable, to accept help, and to acknowledge that you have limits.
Interesting reads:
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/interactives/strong-men-caring-women/
https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-masculinity#health-effects
https://www.romper.com/p/9-things-parents-do-every-day-that-perpetuate-toxic-masculinity-2807431